lessons from a 5 year old

i was told today by a 5 year-old that it is not ok to say "I hate Cambodia.” it is also, similarly, not ok to say "i hate my little brother" or "i hate green peas." 

i had not actually said that i hated Cambodia. he was telling me this because his father had told him that 'hate' was an unkind word -- but i think he may also have been picking up on some of the thinly veiled rage and disgruntlement that was oozing from my pores along with my omnipresent and oft-aforementioned perspirative dew.

when i asked what i could say instead when i didnt like something, i was told that its ok to say "i strongly dislike Cambodia intensely" so i will stick with that for today. 

since i cant say 'hate', i will console myself by indulging in a public-ish display of the common, and usually private, ex-pat pity party, wwaaaaaaahhhhhh scenario. 

...ready?: 

I JUST WANT TO BE COMFORTABLE.

i want a soft bed that has springs in the mattress. i want to trust my ice. i want to do yoga with my old friends. i want to feel safe on my bike at night. i want to be able to walk into a store and buy shoes that fit, instead of having to have my feet measured for a special-boat-foot size. i want everyone to speak english. i want my own driver. i want to know that someone i have grown to love will continue living in town (in the country, on the continent) for the next 12 months.  i want to know, when having my hair dyed, what color it will turn out. i want to say Roll Tide to someone on the street and not have them try to sell me something. i want to go a whole hour without someone following me to stare like the dickens. i want to ride a road bike. i want to ride ANY bike without seriously risking my life. i want people to stop clapping at me to get my attention on the street. i want a shower that doesnt feel like someone's pissing on my head. i want AC. i want to know where to buy tampons. i want to know that the medication i buy is not expired. i want to be able to speak Khmer well enough that i tell the men on the street that i understand what youre saying and i cant believe you kiss your mother with that trash mouth. i would like for the internet to work most of the time. id like to buy good cheese. i want to feel anonymous for 10 whole minutes. i want to kill the dog across the street because he sounds like a suffering, dying child when he starts barking at 4:30 every morning. i want Skype. i want to at least be able to call the States on my cell phone. i want a decent cheeseburger. i want to see my family. i want to see YOU.  i want everyone to live here with me, so i wont feel so lonely. i want to have some faith in my work. i want to have a spiritual life again. i want to be able to adopt a Cambodian child. i want refrigerated mayonnaise from time to time. i want to have someone come get rid of my bedbugs. i want to buy cosmetic products that arent 'whitening.' i want Nescafe and condensed milk banned from the earth. i want some of the things that i own not to be covered in a suffocating layer of bugspray. i want to be ingesting more rice than DEET. i would hide my head under my pillow, but my pillows smell like mildew. everything smells like mildew. i want all the spoiled expats to stop their incessant whining. basically, i want to rule the heavens and preside over all the lands. if only i ran the zoo.... 

 

on a more serious note - cause i aint finished yet - i want the police to actually DO something about crime here. i want everyone to stop blaming women and children when they are raped. i want someone to be punished for their crimes against the vulnerable, and for everyone to simultaneously stop paying bribes to officials. i want to feel safe calling the fire department if i have to. i want to be able to carry a purse out with me when i go, instead of having to shove my wallet in my underwear each time. and, if it gets stolen, i would like someone in power to care.  i want judges to stop perpetuating injustice in the form of cash under the table. i want judges to come up with something better to say to a 14 year old sexual assault victim than, 'well, this is obviously not the man who raped you because you described him as having longer hair and this man has short hair.' i want women to have a voice and a real presence and place in the dialogue about the issues that affect them. i want people have enough to eat each day, to have healthcare and to feel safe in their homes. i want parents to have other alternatives than selling their children into sexual slavery to make enough money to feed the rest of them. i want someone besides Khmer Rouge leaders to run the country and to show some real concern for the beautiful people of this country. i want children to grow up without violence, corruption and hunger  being a normal part of everyday life.

 

a friend introduced me to the phrase, "Cambodia WINS!" 

you can yell that (either quietly or out loud, as appropriate) when this country, the weather, the animals, or the people just push you right to the edge. its meant to lighten up the situation. to put it all back in perspective. most of the time, that works.

 

in case you are under the impression that i have left Phnom Penh and have secretly moved to Negativeville, Cambodia, i still have the same address and phone number. i am still in the game. 

 

and if, at this point, you are getting all high and mighty about this blog entry, then you come try living here. lets see if you make it over 6 months without generating a list of complaints. i dont mean to sound overwhelmingly negative (ha) or ungrateful (hahaha) -- and i do recognize that i am one of the luckiest people in earth. i have money. i have a gym. i have a job. i have a loving family and friends. i have my health. 

however, i also have some minor complaints, and today i am cashing in my ticket to the Whine Show. 

 

...hang in there with me. we will get through this.